Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

I’m so lazy and moody! WHYY?

Contributing factors:

1. Computer not working smoothly like I want it to

2. Bored as hell

3. SOME PEOPLE JUST ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Even if they’re not doing anything it annoys me just to see them!

and then some other stuff.

I’m gonna go job hunting tomorrow and for as long as I need to. Broke as hell and haven’t been out anywhere with friends lately. I FEEL LIKE A RECLUSE. Gawds.

Yo homey, happy 19th birthday :D

I went to the zoo with my family on Sunday. It was fun despite walking around everywhere and not being able to see the spider monkeys because we were fighting with each other on which way to go.

Surprisingly the Koalas were awake, all 5 of them and I was ecstatic because they were moving and it seemed as if they were putting on a show for us :D. It was so cool seeing them jump from branch to branch. One of the koalas sat on another’s head >.<

There were so many animals to see, it was all a blur to me but the highlight of the day was the roaming tiger and the meerkat family. When we went to see the tiger it was up and about, unlike the lions who were all asleep. It was going around the enclosure and everyone who was there kept oohhhing and ahhhing everytime it went up close to the glass. Have I mentioned that tigers are my favourite animal? Of course I love the spider monkeys but they come in second. There’s just something about tigers that draw me in :D

The meerkat family were so damn cute. Some were digging holes in the ground and there was one sleeping on its head. It was all too cute. Then a plane went by and they all stood up on their hind legs and looked up at the sky. It was a wonder. I loved them. They were all so cute. Then they heard rustling noises coming from where we were standing and they all crowded towards me and my family. I think they wanted some of the onion rings :D but of course we didn’t give them any cuz that’s the zoo policy. No feeding the animals because they may get sick. Anyways we stayed there until closing time and caught a ferry back to Circular Quay. Caught the train to Cabra and ate at CabraVale Diggers. I had steak, yum.

Spider monkeyyyy <3 I want one :D

After reading “Atlantis Rising” by Alyssa Day my imagination began tenfold. I couldn’t put the book down and I kept thinking if it were all really true, would I get to meet one of these characters? Were there people like this in the world?

I felt like there was something tugging at my heart. Figuratively and not quite literally. After I read the most spectacular book again, I wanted to be the girl who got the guy. I wanted to live in my fantasy land and I wanted to believe everything written was the truth. I don’t know why but I divulge in these daydreams I’m always in. I don’t want to wake up to reality and I just want to keep on sleeping so that I can still dream. My head is clouded with thoughts and images of imaginary people. Of an imaginary guy. Of a place where I can just live happily ever after.

There’s so much in my mind that I can’t explain it all. I feel like there must be a possible answer to everything I am thinking, feeling but when I sit back and try to comprehend what it is I am feeling, I come up with a blank.

There’s this emptiness in me that I’m afraid of. I see people laughing and smiling and I think to myself, why are they so happy? Why is it that I hate their laughter so much? I feel so fake. The emotions that are stuck in my throat, before I can even let it out changes into something that will make others happy.

I’m afraid one day I will slip up and the mask that I wear will fall off and unveil the uncertainties and the ugly truth of my true self will be for all to see. I’m afraid that if I bite back when goaded or speak my mind things will end badly as I’m sure they will be. I’m afraid of being alone but being around people makes me uncomfortable, as if I don’t deserve their company, as if I am not good enough to join in their conversation.

I always have to tell myself: “you are good enough”. I always have to remind myself: “you’re not a freak”. Why is it that I always revert back to this insecure facade when I am by myself and yet when I am with others it fades away into another facade? A more fake facade of happiness, a more fake facade of what I am truly feeling.

It’s like all my feelings have been stripped of me yet again and somehow I have lost the will to gain it all back. I’m so tired these days of smiling for the sake of someone else. I keep thinking, don’t they know that this smile is fake? Don’t they realise something is amiss?

I’m asking myself now, why did I return to feel the same feelings as before? Why didn’t I stick it out and see what the future would hold for me? Why was I feeling the unnecessary guilt towards the heartache of my life? There are so many “what ifs” and “why” right now going through my head that I can’t sift out what it is I came back for.

Things were good for maybe a week or so. Then it all reverted back to the same shit that had pushed me to leave in the first place. There’s always someone or the other nagging about something. There’s always a frown when I enter a room, or a strong awkward silence until I leave the room.

So much to contemplate about. There’s so much more to a person than meets the eye. I’m on the receiving end of something I thought I could control but the tundra cannot thaw just yet.

“…at the bottom of the jar, there lay hope…”

I’m digging deep and trying to keep optimistic because there are things in this life that will hurt me more than I am now. I can endure it if I still have hope. I just had to write what I was feeling at this point in time because if I don’t get it out, it will keep pushing me towards the edge of insanity.

Decisions, decisions.

Stay or go.

Simple yet very complicated.

Stay and keep my head down.

Go and experience the scary world on my own.

Pros and cons of going;

Pro:

-freedom

-no more tears

Con:

-hurting the people I love

Pros and cons of staying;

Pro:

-roof over my head

Con:

-the people I love hurting me

I made the decision to go but there’s something that’s pulling me back, telling me I shouldn’t make this decision, yet if I don’t go I will forever be in a state of depression, one that I can feel creeping up on me already.

Although I want to go, the fact of missing out on everything a family does together makes me rethink the decision. Then I ask myself, have I ever really been included in anything a family does? Clear answer to that question is no. I’ve always been left out.

It’s scary. To think that I am leaving and not having any more close contact with my mum or my siblings. I’m scared that my mum will never forgive my decision, even though she suggested it. Was she being serious or was she just saying that in a moment of fury?

I’ve cried a lot over the past two days. Everytime I think about moving, tears spring to my eyes but I’m stubborn and that’s my decision. The only thing I’m partially worried about now is how I will break the news. I’m overridden with fear.

What will I do without the comfort of my mum? Will I miss her hardiness and her insistent nagging? Will my siblings miss me when I’m gone? Will I ever be the same again?

Questions course through me as I laid in bed thinking about my decision. These tears keep falling but I can’t stop them. They seem to have a life of their own.

I locked myself up for the past two days and it seems like an eternity but I’ve come to grasp the concept of moving. It just hurts me to think that I am leaving behind a mess.

I guess I’m just running away, like how I always wanted to.

I don’t want to stay and think “what if”. There are so many uncertainties in this world and for once I want to grab hold of the one certainty in my life.

This is it. The decision to go. Only time will tell if the situation at hand will clear up. I hope it does. I feel so much guilt everytime I think that my siblings will grow up to hate me for breaking up a family apart. This was my fault to begin…

“Everything is gonna be alright, isn’t it? So damn, why am I crying?” – GDragon; BIGBANG; Lies